All of My Memories Keep You Near
by 93Mika
Summary: Mon-El reflecting on his memories from 31st century during season 3 moments
1. Take on Me

Hello my sweet Karamel family! So this piece here is a direct result of the heavy feels of episode 15- In Search of Lost Time as I guess you all might be feeling the same way. Do not read this if you haven't seen episode 15 yet!

I hope you don't mind read this through some parts as I know it must be painful to reread those dialogues as they still feel soar, but I as a fan felt responsible to shed some light into it and help you all see it a bit differently.

* * *

 **Take on Me**

 _"You're right. We have been through a lot together. Like that time you promised you wouldn't leave the DEO, and instead you ran off, you got wasted. You were reckless, selfish, you lied, and you didn't apologize."_

Mon-El felt his heart dropping, throbbing painfully like it weighed a thousand tons. _"Kara, I…"_

 _"And then there was the time I got you a job at CatCo. I vouched for you at my place of employment. And then you had Eve do all of your work for you, and then you screwed her in the closet."_

To say he was stunned was an understatement. It was as if he were falling deeper into a bottomless pitch-black pit. This was his worst fear all along. All the excitement to show Kara his suit was turning upside down. This was the opposite of how he had imagined their training session would go.

 _"You didn't apologize for that. And, shocker, I apologized to you for trying to make you into a better person."_

The shame, the stains that could never be washed away no matter how hard he tried or how much time had passed. The demons that haunted him often in the dead of night.

The voices in his head screamed at him to stop her, to lash out in protest and denial. Yet he didn't have it in him. Never really had. Not when his mother ripped him off of his self-steam with venomous words and not even now when he was worlds apart from that person, standing in front of the woman he thought the world of and all he ever wanted was for her to see the person he had become.

It suddenly dawned on him how much he had failed in changing himself. He came to realize then more than ever, how little he deserved her. _"I hear you. I get it."_

 _"No, I don't think you do get it. I don't think you get that I gave my heart to a lying jackass, who was unaware of his behavior towards me, who disrespected me at every turn, and now is this reformed person who, what, he wants to reminisce about the good times? "_

 _"Kara, put this on."_

He barely held back the tears threatening to fall. His whole being was shaking ever so slightly under the effort, and if it weren't for Alex's timely interruption, he wasn't sure if he could have kept it together any longer.

There was no time to fall apart. No, he couldn't. He shouldn't. Not in the middle of a Martian psychic attack and when people's lives were in danger. That was his first and foremost important rule. No emotional attachments and personal matters when it came to saving others. Protect the people above all else. Just like Kara had taught him and he to the Legionnaires.

Therefore he tried to swallow down the pouring out emotions and calmed his senses in a practiced method which he had come to learn over his years of desolation in the 31th century.

Deep breaths… in… and out… in... and out…

He almost failed and had to go over it a few times because hadn't felt this profoundly disturbed for a long time. Hadn't felt his heart clench so tight and getting stabbed repeatedly with massive waves of guilt, self-loath and loneliness since his very first year in the future. This felt different though. This was excruciating in another a way he had never felt.

Flashes of his golden cherished memories with Kara in those few months, more than seven years ago, danced in front of his eyes, fading their light and darkening, twisting like microfilms trapped in fire.

All the soft smiles, random looks, all the kisses and endearments, all felt so far away and alien. They belonged to another person and not his anymore…

The alarms went off in the DEO and forced him into action.

* * *

 _Mon-El had spent endless months working to make the prefect suit. His friendship with Brainy allowed him access to highly advanced technology that paved his way to achieve the ultimate design, completed with a cape which was the closest copy of a Kryptonian meta-material. He proudly had realized that no one before this have ever came near to compose it. He had only succeeded in fabricating it after studying Kara's suit. Or rather what had been left of it._

 _It was unimaginably hard for him to work on it. Seeing the too familiar fabric torn into shreds and scorched, send shivers of distress and grief down his spine._

 _If this were the state of the cape, what had been the fate of its barer?_

 _The moment Mon-El touched it for the first time, he almost lost it. This wasn't right. How could the indestructible material, once shining bright red and flowing faultlessly down her shoulders like royal robes, had crumpled and darkened at most parts like it was no more durable than a flimsy leaf._

 _He brought the largest and healthiest piece up to his eyes, recognizing immediately the smoothness under the tips of his fingers, causing memories to explode in his mind. All the times his hands had absentmindedly played with the fringes while talking to her, kissing her or simply holding her after she came back tired from keeping the world spinning._

 _The tears prickled at the corners of his eyes, a silent sob locked in his throat as he pressed the fabric to his nose, inhaling and seeking her aroma. But to his utter disappointment, all he smelled was smoke. Ashes that had kept the ruined cape hidden for a millennia had rubbed off her unique scent, denying him the small pleasure._

 _Time was a cruel master. It had taken everything from him, unfairly, way too soon._

 _When Mon-El finally got to wear the suit, he was a nervous wreck. What he wouldn't give to have Kara there with him to see it on him. He tried hard, but couldn't help himself and kept fantasizing how she would react. Going over scenarios in his head about the kind of things she would say, the way she would look him up and down with a bemused smile or maybe even gasp and probably ask him about the empty pattern of a Kryptonian glyph on his chest. He knew he had no right to wear that sacred symbol. It wasn't his place, but he had decided that this was the best way to keep the flames burning. A way to remind others of Supergirl and what she stood for._

 _Help, Hope and Compassion for all._

 _The suit became his second skin. The manifestation of the new him and soon the dawn of the Legion. His obsession with the smartcloth had helped him learn all the spectacular features of his cape and soon his cape tricks were the common word amongst his fellow Legionnaires, stablishing his reputation as their unbeatable leader._

 _It was a pity that a few years later, after the Legion had officially formed, his fight with the biggest gangster mobs on Rimbor, ended with a big gash on his thigh. The alien gun used on him was from a very advanced civilization with over energetic photons that managed to penetrate the suit and injure him. He didn't care about his wound though, his only concern was for the suit to be fixed and him going back into the battlefield with his friends as he laid down in the medical room, waiting impatiently for his leg to be cured._

 _The situation was worse than he had initially predicted. Key members of Titan authorities were involved and the major fraction of the planets were united against the Earth. He was out of options, out of clues. There was no time and he as the leader needed to act fast to prevent another slaughter to happen and wipe the humanity away for good. He couldn't let that happen. Not when he had sworn to protect earth in Kara's absence and so he would do whatever necessary to do that. Even if that meant marrying Imra._

 _Mon-El needed some sort of suit to wear when he next set foot into the field. His original damaged suit was waiting for Brainy to finally fix it. He had been too busy with the fights that even he who claimed to be from an overtly multi tasking race, hadn't find the time to do it. Thus Mon-El had to improvise with simple dark gears. It was temporary after all. That was what he kept telling himself. He could go back wearing his suit very soon._

 _Everything happened too fast afterwards. Next thing Mon-El knew, he was saying vows in Saturnian while holding Imra's hand on Titan soil, under the scrutinizing supervision of Titan leaders, pledging his loyalty to both planets and bringing peace back to Solar System._

 _Despite knowing that he was doing the right thing, the ache was sapping away his will power. He didn't want this, didn't want to betray all his feelings for Kara and be tied to someone he had no real feelings for. Imra knew him better than anyone after five years. Had been by his side through his worse and had heard all his stories about the girl of steel willingly, and if Mon-El had to choose someone to be his second, Imra was his most trusted person._

 _Albeit they both knew that his heart wasn't this union, they also were aware that they had no other choice and went along with it. It was to save earth after all. And that was all that Legion was trying to do._

 _Processing and going through the whole changes that came after their marriage was one of the hardest things Mon-El had done in his life after being stranded in the future._

 _For most parts he complied willingly and without any complains. Nevertheless there was one particular change that he was resentful towards. This change wasn't forced on him per se and rather a decision he had come to make on his own._

 _He needed to put away his original suit. Not because it couldn't be fixed. Brainy was far more than capable of doing that in less than an hour. No, he was putting it away because he felt it was too much. Too much for Imra, too much for him. He couldn't go on everyday wearing something that was a constant reminder of his true love. Someone he could never be reunited with. Hence he left it behind in order to gradually move on. It wasn't fair to Imra either._

 _He wasn't crazy to think that he would forget Kara or heal from the abandonment simply by not wearing the suit. That wasn't even remotely enough to change that._

 _Mon-El folded the suit and tucked it in his personal closet on the Legion ship after gazing at it longingly for minutes in a row and chasing the empty symbol on it with his fingers around Kara's necklace which was laid on top of it, at the center of the glyph. He was wrestling with himself whether he had to stop wearing it as well or not._

 _He slammed shut the door and strode away with clenched fists._

 _He didn't go far before turning sharply and running back to the closet. Mon-El snatched the necklace with a racing heart and returned it back to where it had been all these years, over his heart, as if to alleviating a suffocating ache._

 _There was no amount of reasoning, rational or irrational, enough to convince him to put away this keepsake. Ever._

* * *

Mon-El walked into the training room quietly without raising awareness and watched Kara rehearsing the moves all by herself, without the suit, executing all the moves flawlessly and even adding new tricks of her own already in her unparalleled genius style.

"And the student becomes the master."

He was still hurt. Didn't know why he was even there when he was so unsure of what to say or ask to make things okay between them.

Kara avoided his eyes, clearly feeling regretful for the things she had said.

"Can we talk about yesterday?"

He'd expected this and he knew what she wanted to say. Still knew her that much, and didn't wish to hear her apologize.

"You were whammied by the psychic attack."

"Yes, that's true, but I… the things I said…" She paused meaningfully and Mon-El raised his, wondering for a second if she would repeat them.

The comet blue met stormy gray and his heart started thumping in anticipation.

"I thought I had dealt with my feelings about us." An unreadable expression appeared on her face and quickly diverted away as she walked towards the nearest bench before continuing.

"But when we were in this episode, it made me realize that our relationship was not perfect."

Mon-El shoved his hands deep into his pockets solemnly, waiting for her to complete her words. He hadn't been able to sleep last night, lying awake thinking, contemplating, hoping beyond hope and trying to comprehend what Kara had actually meant. Psychic provocation aside, there had to be an underlying precision to it and while he didn't like to believe that Kara regarded their relationship so imperfect, he'd had more than enough time to go over every little detail of their time together, in the span of not so short seven years, to admit it to himself how ignorant he had been back then.

"But especially when you were gone, I was so busy missing you and romanticizing us…"

It was as if she were pulling the words out of his mouth. _I've been there too Kara…_

He wanted to say them out loud, but he kept to himself and let Kara finish what she had started, allowing her to open up to him for the first time.

"I do feel… a big weight off my shoulders. So in a way, I'm grateful that it happened."

Mon-El came to sit beside her, half glad to see her finally feeling relieved after all the months she had spent pining after him, and half sorrowful that she had been carrying all this inside her for Rao knows how long and not having been able to help her.

"I'm just really sorry that it took a Martian attack to make it come out. And I'm sorry it was it was so brutal."

"You know what, the truth can be brutal…"

Mon-El knew first-hand how the truth could come to gut you more times he could count. Like when he finally understood the mistakes of his path as the frat boy of the universe and then the pain of finding out that his mother had killed his father and then there was the truth of learning that he could never come back home to 21st century or the moment he realized he had to get married to Imra and the newest one, hearing her saying she and Brainy had been lying to him all along.

"It's not news to me that I used to be a jerk."

Kara nodded, but the somber look on her face with her crinkle was telling him how much she never had wanted to say those words or hear them back from him, despite those bottled up, frustrated, maybe even jealous and betrayed voices inside her that have urged her to spit them into his face in the first place.

"And I'm… I am sorry." He willed her inwardly to hear him and forgive him. "I'm sorry, for all of it." _I'm sorry that I never deserved you._ "I didn't really grasp your perspective back then."

"Yeah, but still, I shouldn't have hit you. I'm sorry for that. And I'm sorry for…" She sounded lost for words and bowed her head and huffed in what he presumed showed how remorseful she really was and he hated it. "I'm just sorry."

 _This needs to stop!_ "Can we make an agreement?"

"Yes."

Mon-El offered his right hand with the Legion Ring as it was a custom on Titan when making oral deals.

"No more apologies."

To his delight Kara shook his hand immediately and beamed, which ensued a smile to his own face. And soon her face became all playful in a way he hadn't seen in such a long time.

"Do you wanna go be heroes?"

The smile that came his way next was blindingly original and painfully familiar in equal parts, leaving him with paradoxical and turbulent emotions.

This all felt like an ending and a change. He couldn't tell if it were a good thing or not. He decided just for this once to let go of the meaning and live in the moment while it last.

 _When something ends, something else begins…_

* * *

 **End Notes:**

Sorry if this made you sad, it was angst after all. But I do hope that it helped you to finally let go of the hurt and move on to the next level like Kara and Mon-El have.  
Let me know your thoughts in the comments. You can also find me on tumblr:

Another apology for not being active for weeks, some stuff came up that needed my constant attention and then uni started, so I have barely found the time to sit down and write. But I promise I haven't abandoned on my fics and return to yall eventually. Please be patient with me!

Ok, as Valor once said, "No more apologies! ;)". Stay strong my friends! SuperValor have Risen!

Peace 3


	2. Home

Hello!  
So here is another short piece in thread with my previous chapter - happening during Season 3 Episode 17- Trinity - telling another flashback in the future, this time with Kara's necklace centering the memory.

* * *

 **Home:**

The sun was about to eclipse soon and Kara was going to take Alex and Lena with herself into the alternate dark realm so they would find and save Sam.

Brainy told her all the facts she needed to know, even the ones she didn't really liked to hear. The risk of losing her life especially since her cells were depleting from solar radiation due to the magical eclipse.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Yeah." Mon-El walked after Kara to a corner of the commanding room of the Legion ship so they could talk in relative privacy, well aware of Imra's curious eyes following them.

"What's up?"

"If this thing goes sideways, I need you to promise me something." Kara demanded with her hands on her hips, preserving her perfect posture. Yet Mon-El easily read her turmoil through the doubt flickering in her eyes. Eyes which kept looking behind him and never met his own. "Pull Alex and Lena out, but leave me in until I finish the mission." Her eyes finally landed on his frowned face.

 _No! Kara please don't ask me this!_

"You heard Brainy. This could hurt you. This could kill you." He tried nevertheless, knowing how low the possibility was to change her mind.

"This is our only chance." No hesitation were left in her azure stare then. "To save now or the future. This is all we've got."

 _And you're all I've got…_

"So, promise me."

Why did he always had to make the hard decisions? As the Legion's leader he was no stranger to making tough choices, even if it meant not being right all the time. But never could he imagine to be put in the position to decide over Kara's wellbeing. This was far off his limits. Gambling with her life was never an option and now it had come to this.

He sighed deeply, his shoulders slumping, his head dropping. He had to say yes. He could never reject Kara. Ever. Even if it meant bearing the weight and guilt over his heart for eternity.

"I promise." He raised his head to meet her demanding expression and tried to give her his firmest look, as to ensure her of his seriousness and honesty.

* * *

Mon-El watched in sheer hopelessness, as she twitched and whimpered in her forced slumber. Every muscle in his body was begging to reach and remove that annoying device over her forehead to wake her from this kamikaze stupor. To pull her into his arms and never let go.

He sensed J'onn's watchful eyes on himself, reading his face needless to use his Martian psychic powers.

 _This is wrong! I have to do something!_

 _No, can't do this!_

His eyes darted constantly between her closed eyes that kept fluttering and her lips that were slightly parted to let out labored breaths, in an infinite cycle.

He couldn't bear standing still there anymore and had to leave, otherwise he would lose this internal battle and do something stupid like putting his hand on Kara's shoulder or cup her cheek and push away that strand of hair which had fallen over her face among the restless thrusts.

He stormed into a hallway, breathless under the heavy conflicting feelings stirring inside him.

 _Shame on you!_

He berated himself bitterly, suddenly needing to punch something.

 _I still love her… I need her to be okay… I need to see her happy again…_

 _You have a wife you stupid Daxamite! How dare you even considering breaking your vows?_

 _I can't bear see her hurt…_

Then J'onn came and managed to ease his raw nerves a little. After the old wise Martian whom had been there for Mon-El more than his own father ever had left, he leaned to a wall and inhaled deeply, as his hand thoughtlessly reached to the small, almost non-visible bulge over his heart under his dark suit and touched it as an old habit.

The necklace. Kara's necklace.

 _Stop this! Stop it now!_

Regardless, his hand found the chain around his neck to bring out the necklace and held the small pendant in his grasp.

The flood of memories saturated his thoughts despite his best efforts.

* * *

 _Mon-El threw his right hook at the assailant he was fighting with. A professional bounty hunter who had been assassinating some influential members of The Union of the Planets for months. Legion had finally trapped him with a fake meeting and it was the best opportunity to take him in and bring justice and peace back to the solar system._

 _Their target turned out to be a bit more resourceful than Brainy's calculations. He had somehow deactivated the Legion ship's laser canons together with its shields by a small gadget as soon as the ship had neared him._

" _Mon-El, push him towards the ledge on your south eas –"_

" _I can see where the ledge is Brainy!" His fist connected with the masked jaw in the direction of the edge of the skyscraper._

 _The smart culprit didn't simply got thrown contrary to his expectation and Mon-El saw small jets attached to his boots wheezed into life and soon he was coming at him with fool force, holding a shining red plasma dagger aimed at his chest._

 _Mon-El easily dodged it by jumping into air and turning sharply, maintaining his balance as his hovered to his opponents level with the help of his Legion Ring._

" _You can't run! Surrender now!"_

 _The only answer he received was a mysterious beeping sound._

" _Mon-El to your left!" Brainy shouted in his ear piece and he dived to the opposite side._

 _Something big and black flashed past his head and landed ten feet away. Metallic tendrils waved around a spherical body, spreading electrical sparks threateningly in his direction._

 _It were times like these when he wished he hadn't put away his cape._

" _The probability of a robotic assistant with this level of efficiency was 0.0156 percent!" Brainy gasped which was rare._

" _Well news flash it's here now! How do I defeat this?"_

" _Give me 25.5 seconds."_

 _He flew around, keeping a safe distance from the mean robot and searching for the bounty hunter who seemed to have disappeared._

" _Brainy he's gone!"_

" _No, I have visual of him flying towards the south wing of the building."_

" _On it!"_

 _Just as he turned to the mentioned direction, another identical mechanical mini squid jumped at him, leaping a noticeably far distance to get itself to Mon-El._

" _Uhgg!"_

 _He grunted as the tip of one of the tendrils grazed his shoulder, making his right hand instantly numb._

" _Brainy!"_

 _25.5 seconds had been passed._

" _You need to dislocate the crown piece on the main bodies."_

" _I can't even get near them without being electrocuted! How am I supposed to do that?!"_

" _I can help with it!" Another voice answered this time following by a familiar figure landing near him._

" _Imra! You're here!" Mon-El exhaled in surprise._

 _Imra was supposed to stay on Titan to be with her family in the difficult time that had befallen them. The loss of her sister to the Blight had taken a toll on her and she had been distant for the past week. Mon-El of course completely understood how she must have been feeling and let her stay close to her family and had decided to take down the bounty hunter without her. He never predicted she would show up out of nowhere like this._

 _He couldn't be happier with that._

 _Within seconds Saturn Girl turned the first homicidal artificial inelegant into a pile of useless scrap metal with her unique power._

" _The target is getting too far!" Brainy warned them._

" _Go! I got this." Imra nodded at him firmly and he flew away after nodding back at her._

 _The assassin was fast with his mini jet pack, but Mon-El was faster and soon he grabbed his shoulder, ready to punch him into unconsciousness._

 _He seemed to have anticipated this, since he had his hand open with his palm facing him as though to push him away._

 _Mon-El heard Brainy shout, alas too late._

 _But then how could a hand hurt him? He was invincible apart from his lead allergy._

 _What even Brainy hadn't seen coming – or had not mentioned - was that their target turned out to be a meta-human._

 _A cracking sound made his sensitive ears deaf._

 _Through his palm, thick super-charged lightning bolts smacked Mon-El square in the chest, sending him flying on a random trajectory._

 _Electrocution had jumped his limbs into shock and despite his complete disorientation, ultimately he registered that he was falling. He must have lost the Ring somehow, otherwise the wind wouldn't be rushing aggressively through his short hair._

 _It was a long fall. Over two hundred meters._

" _MON-EL!" He heard Imra cry before everything turned black._

 _When he next opened his eyes, he was in a draining healing tank looking at his friends watching him worriedly. He was fine, but to his disappointment the criminal had escaped._

" _We'll get him soon. Don't worry." Imra then tried to soothe his stress as he walked towards his cabin on the ship in order to get back into his black suit._

 _He touched over his heart where a certain object always laid and he felt the whole world stop when he didn't feel it there._

" _Im- Imra?"_

 _She knew better than take the necklace off of him. She knew what it meant to him._

" _Yes Mon-El?"_

" _Where's my necklace?"_

 _The sad look on her face made his heart race._

 _Her blue eyes shone apolitically in sympathy. "I think you lost it in the fall. The electric shock must have broken the chain. I'm so sorry."_

" _No…"_

" _Mon-"_

" _NO!"_

 _Mon-El stormed in superspeed and racked through his clothes and his suit which was singed and torn on the front were the bolts had hit him. Just where the necklace had been._

" _Mon-El wait!" Imra shouted pointlessly after him as he rushed out._

 _He searched for days upon days, every centimeter of the ground around the fight scene until he finally found it again under a layer of dust near the same tower where had fallen from._

 _The sapphire drop shaped ornament was in one piece. A little dirty, yet healthy as it had been before. Just the thin chain was broken just like Imra had guessed_

 _Only then he truly felt at peace again and let out a loud sigh, as the tension finally left his body and soul. It wasn't healthy being so attached to this lifeless object. Now that his mind was at ease again, he felt guilty for acting so emotional and immature. Barely sleeping, eating and even talking. Being unfocused on missions and almost going too far with a suspect. Not to mention how he ignored Imra a few times._

 _Mon-El stared at the necklace in his trembling hand, feeling the tears stinging his eyes and his knees growing week under his weight._

 _He just couldn't let go. It was too soon. He wasn't ready and he didn't think he would be ever ready._

* * *

Mon-El felt for the necklace in his pocket as soon as Imra left the conference room with Joyful steps, contradicting his depressed mood.

He brought it out and was once again as if to pick up where he had left off, mesmerized by its sight once again. Even though he'd had it for years and it had practically turned into a part of his body, he never tired from looking at it and reminding himself of what it truly held.

 _A reminder of Kara._

Mon-El stroked with his thumb over the little blue stone sitting in the heart of it, so gently as if it were made of glass. Blue like a

 _Comet…_

He hadn't been wearing it for a few days now, keeping it close in his pocket, ever since the conflictions in him had grown to concerning levels. A direct result of spending more time with Kara in his old suit.

He blamed himself constantly for everything that went wrong between him and Imra. If he had been a better husband, if he hadn't spent all his time proving how attached he was to his past, maybe then Imra wouldn't have had to lie to him about this mission.

And now that Pestilence was dead and the mission was accomplished, returning to future was inevitable and he knew that he had to come clean with himself before going back home to his family.

"Home? Family?" He muttered to himself, as though saying the words out loud would help him find their true meaning.

Instead of the place he had lived in for the past seven years, or even the planet he had grew up on, his thoughts instantly .

 _Kara…_

He still remembered her teary face, her contorted moistened features and her eyes red under crying and putting the necklace into his cold one. " _I Love you…"_

He still remembered clearly like it had just happened.

Things couldn't go on the way they had been until now.

He had to move on and it terrified him immensely.

 _Should I give it back to her?_

Another voice instantly spoke up in reply.

 _Are you ready to let go?_

Mon-El shoved the necklace back into his pocket, keeping his hand securely around it. A particular expression then ringed in his mind, forcing a sarcastic tragic smile to his lips.

" _Home is where the heart is."_


End file.
